


Trolls!

by FantasticallyTragical



Series: An Extra Burglar [3]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-09 01:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17397584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FantasticallyTragical/pseuds/FantasticallyTragical
Summary: In which Cassia learns to use a knife, Kili, Fili, and Cassia discuss then reproduction habits of orcs, there's an incident involving trolls, and discussions of the best way to cook dwarves. And Cassia gets a sword. (Edited 5-22-19)





	Trolls!

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: Minor edits of how things go down, fixing spelling errors, and tying together the end a little bit better. And Cassia gets a sword!

“Show me how to use a knife,” Cassia declares, popping out of the woods.

“We're supposed to be watching the ponies,” Kili says, leaning comfortably against a log.

“All right,” Fili says at the exact same moment. He pulls a dagger out of his coat and hands it to her. She holds it awkwardly and he walk around behind her, fitting her hands around the dagger handle. “Hold it like so. If anyone tries to grab you, stab in an upward motion and use all your strength. Try to get under the ribs.”  He mimes the action.

“What if they're wearing mail or something?”

“Go for the jambags,” Kili calls. Fili shoots him a look. “What?”

The older brother shakes his head. “I wouldn't have said it like that but… yes, go for the jambags.”

Cassia nods. “Stab under the ribs or kick 'em in the balls. Seems easy enough.”

Kili snorts. Fili sighs. 

“Wait. What if they don't have balls? What if it's a lady orc.”

“ _ Are _ there lady orcs?” Kili asks, sounding a little horrified.

“Where would orc babies come from, then?” Cassia shoots back.

“I don't know, I always assumed they just sort of… spawned.”

“We're getting off track,” Fili says.

“Orcs fuck,” Cassia replies.

“I don't like that,” Fili mutters, turning a little green. Cassia laughs and starts parading around, Kili on her heels. 

“Orcs fuck! Orcs fuck! Orcs fuck! Orcs fuck! Orcs fuck!” They chant with inordinate glee. 

“Please for the love of Mahal,” Fili groans, trying not to think about orcs fucking, “stop talking.” 

Cassia grabs his arm. “Why are you so reluctant to accept the truth, Fili?”

Kili grabs his other arm. “Yeah, why?”

The hobbit begins her chant again. “Orcs fuck! Orcs fuck! Orcs fu— hey wait a tick.” 

“What?” Fili says.

“Didn't we have 16 ponies?”

“Yes?” 

“We're missing two.”

“Uncle's gonna kill us all.”

 

“Daisy and Bungo are missing,” Kili says.

“Well that's… not good…” Cassia says, scurrying after them. “That is not good at all. Shouldn't we tell Thorin?”

Fili shakes his head. “Let's not worry him.”

Kili grins. “As our official burglar, we thought  _ you _ might want to look into it.”

“Well,” Cassia says, “it looks as though something big uprooted these trees.”

“That was our thinking,” Fili says.

She spots something in the distance and points.  “There's a light,” she says, "should we check it out?"

Fili and Kili exchange quick glances, and then nod.  The three creep towards it, Fili pushing Cassia's head down. “Stay low,” he hisses.

The dwarf brothers creep forward again, Cassia on their heels, ducking behind a tree as a massive troll lumbers by, two of the ponies under his arms. Cassia gasps, annoyed, and almost pops up her head before Fili drags her back down behind the log. “He's got Myrtle and Minty!” She hisses.  “I think they're gonna eat them, we have to do something.”

The brothers turn to look at her, nodding. “Do you have a plan?” Kili asks.

Cassia nods. “I'll sneak over there, free the ponies and sneak back and the trolls will be none the wiser.”

Kili nods enthusiastically. “Brilliant!”

“That's a  _ terrible _ plan!” Fili cries.

“Do you have a better one?” She asks. 

“I…” he frowns. “...no.”

“Great! It's settled then! Give me a stabby thing!”

“What?”

“A stabby thing. A knife. Just in case!”

Fili grumbles and pulls a knife out of his coat. “I hate this.”

“It'll be fine!” Kili says. “Now, Cassia, these are mountains trolls, and they're slow and they're stupid. You're so tiny they won't even notice you're there!”

Cassia nods in agreement.  “That's what I was thinking! And on the off chance that something  _ does _ happen, I'll just put up a fuss and you can come get me.”

 

Cassia's plan goes swimmingly. For the start of it. She sneaks past the trolls, quiet as a mouse and reaches the ponies with ease. That's when it goes downhill. They recognize her and start whinnying, their eyes rolling, tossing their manes. She does her best to hush them, but the ponies are in a tizzy and Cassia decides to go back and hide and wait for the others.

Suddenly a massive hand closes around her waist and she's lifted into the air. “Ah, bollocks,” she says. 

“Little rat!” The trolls roars, “trying to steal our food!”

Cassia stabs its hand with Fili's knife. “They aren't food!” She cries, “they're our ponies! And I'm no rat!”

The troll yelps and drops her, and she lays there on the ground for a moment, winded. The knife skitters out of her reach. One of the trolls pokes her with a stick. “What are you, then? An oversized squirrel?”

“I'm a burglar—hobbit! I'm a hobbit!”

“A burglarhobbit?”

Good gracious, these things  _ were _ stupid.

“Can we cook her?”

“We can try!!!”

Cassia yelps at that, rolling away from the troll's grasping hands and scrambling to her feet. She grabs the fallen knife and scampers towards the woods but a troll pops up in front of her, nudging her hard with a shovel-like spoon.

“She wouldn't make more than a mouthful, not when she's skinned and boned!”

She stumbles back and whirls, stopping short when a knife is pressed against her chest.

“Perhaps,” says the knife wielding troll, “there's more burglarhobbits round these parts.”

“Nope,” Cassia says, her voice high pitched with fright. “None but me. But I'm not very good to eat at all!”

“Why not?”

“I'm… uh… spicy! I'm awfully spicy. No good. No good at all.”

“I like spicy!”

_ Bollocks! _

“Yeah!”

“Me too!”

She scurries away.

“Grab her!” 

“She’s too fast!”

The big, knife-wielding troll grabs her round the legs and hoists her up. “Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellows hiding around where they shouldn't?”

Cassia shakes her head. “Nope! Just me!”

“It’s lying!”

“No, I'm not!”

“Hold her toes over the fire! Make her squeal!”

Just then, a throwing axe appears to sprout front the troll's hand and he cries out, dropping her. Cassia squeezes her eyes shut, bracing for a hard landing, but miraculously, she lands easily in someone's arms.

“A dwarf!” One of the trolls shouts.

Cassia cracks one eye open and peers up into Fili's face. 

“Oh,” she says, rather breathlessly, “hello.”

“Hello,” he replies, setting her down, keeping one arm around her still, and threatening the trolls with his sword. “We'll be leaving now,” he tells them.

“No you won't!” The biggest troll says lunging for them. “Catch them, lads!”

“Uh oh,” Fili says, diving out of the way, dragging Cassia with him. They land in a heap, the trolls lumbering towards them.

“What's your plan?!” Cassia cries as Fili, still lying on his back, kicks at reaching troll hands.

“It's not mine, it's Kili's, and its keep away 'til he gets back!” He replies, scrambling to his feet and pulling her with him. They whirl around, only to discover that they're quite trapped between trolls and a large boulder, and Cassia's quite sure things are going to get  _ very _ sticky when from behind the trolls comes a dwarvish warcry and Thorin barrels into the clearing, Kili and the others on his heels.

Fili laughs delightedly. “See? Told you it would work!”

“It almost didn't,” she says, still clinging to his arms. 

“Well, let's try not to think on 'could have beens’,” Bilbo says, popping up beside them.

“Brilliant idea, that,” Fili says, “I trust you two have yourselves sorted?”

“I think we do,” Bilbo says.

Fili nods and leaps into the fray. Cassia's brother turns to her.

“What were you thinking?!” he scolds. 

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” she replies. Bilbo sighs and rolls his eyes.

“We'll talk about this later. Let's get the ponies.” 

They creep towards the enclosure, and free them, unnoticed, until one of the trolls lunges for Bilbo. “Move!” Cassia yelps, shoving her brother out of the way. She's grabbed again, this time right around the chest, and the troll grabs her head with his thumb and forefinger. “Let go!” She shrieks, kicking her legs. The troll tightens his grip.

“Lay down your weapons!” He shouts, “or I'll pop her head right off!” 

Cassia goes very still. That does not sound nice at all.

“Cassia!” Fili shouts, and he and Kili lunge forward, but are stopped by Thorin.

There's a clatter as the dwarves drop their weapons and she's forced to watch as they're one by one stuffed into sacks, protesting all the while. Cassia wonders where the trolls got all the dwarf-sized sacks as half the dwarves are stripped down to their underthings and tied on a spit, and then, when everyone's secured, Cassia herself is stuck in a bag and tossed onto top of the pile of sacked dwarves.

Fili grunts as she lands on him.

“I'm sorry,” she says. 

“Are you okay?” He asks.

“Are you? This is all my fault,” she moans.

“No, its not. I'm supposed to be the responsible one. I should have done something. Come up with a better plan.” They don't notice Bilbo talking with the trolls until the others start shouting protests.

“There's a secret to cooking dwarves?” Bert asks, peering at him.

“Yes. The secret to cooking dwarves is to…” Bilbo looks around, at a loss. The trolls clamor for an answer.

“Skin them first!” Cassia yells, wriggling out of her sack and scrambling over the dwarves. “You have to skin them first! They're tough and hairy! Not good to eat at all!”

The dwarves start yelling, incensed. Cassia and Bilbo glance at each other. 

_ 'Skin them?!’  _ Bilbo mouths. Cassia shrugs. 

“Tom,” Bert says, “get me filleting knife.” 

“What a load of rubbish!” Bill declares, “I've eaten plenty of dwarves with their skins on! Scoff 'em, I say! Boots and all!”

Out of the corner of her eye, Cassia notices Gandalf sneaking along the ridgeline, and she nudges Bilbo, gesturing with her head. He nods, having spotted the wizard as well.

“‘e’s right!” Tom says, “nothing wrong with a bit of raw dwarf!” He grabs Bombur and lifts him, licking his lips. “Nice and crunchy!”

“No! Not that one!” Bilbo shouts, just as Cassia cries out, “He's infected!!!”

“You wot?!” Bill queries.

“He's got worms!” Cassia continues. Bilbo nods fervently.

“Yes! In… in his tubes!”

Tom yelps in disgust, throwing Bombur down.

“”In fact,” Cassia says, in a burst of inspiration, “they all have. They're infested with parasites! It's a terrible business!”

“I wouldn't risk it,” Bilbo adds, “I really wouldn't. You'll get food poisoning.”

“The runs!” Cassia tacks on.

“We don't have parasites!!!” Kili roars. “You have parasites!!!” 

Cassia rolls her eyes. Bilbo sighs.

The dwarves all started yelling again, declaring the absence of worms in their tubes and the likelihood that eating them would cause the runs. There's a muffled thump, and then suddenly, all the dwarves have changed their tune.

“I've got parasites as big as my arm!” Oin declares.

“Mine are bigger!” Fili shouts.

“I've got huge parasites!” Kili roars, “they’re the biggest parasites!!!”

“We're riddled!” Nori cries.

“Yes, I'm riddled!” Ori adds.

“Yes, we are!” Dori says. 

The dwarves all shout over each other, vying to have the biggest parasites and the nastiest diseases. 

“What would you have us do, then?” Bert queries, “let them all go?!” 

“Well,” Bilbo starts. The troll pokes him in the middle none too gently and he doubles over, gasping.

“You could boil them!” Cassia blurts. Good gracious, why did she say that?! “Boiled for safety, you know! It'll kill the parasites!” Shut up, shut up,  _ shut up _ !!! “Then you have to gut them!” Smart move, Cassia.

Everyone's staring at her, appalled.

“N-no, you have to flambe them!” Bilbo butts in. No, that's actually worse than boiling.

The trolls seem at a loss.

“I see what you're trying to do!” Bert says, “the little ferrets are taking us for fools!”

“Ferrets?!” Cassia and Bilbo cry in unison, offended. Just then, Gandalf appears on the ridgeline.

“The dawn will take you all!” He shouts.

Cassia and Bilbo sigh in relief.

“Who's that?” Bert asks.

“No idea,” Bill replies.

“Can we eat him too?” Tom queries.

Gandalf raises his staff and strike the rock he’s standing on and it splits, letting sunlight through. The trolls shriek and shout as they turn to stone. Cassia and Bilbo gape and the dwarves cheer, wriggling about like a lot of very thrilled worms. 

Gandalf puts out the fire with a flick of his staff and starts untying the spitted dwarves. “Cassia,” he says, “get your brother and the others out of those sacks.”

Cassia jumps, and then turns to Bilbo, untying the top of his sack, and the two of them start of the dwarves.

“‘Skin them first’?” Kili says indignantly as she unsacks him. 

“Feel free to thank me,” she says archly, moving on to his brother.

“At least we aren't eaten,” Fili tells him, and Cassia grins at him.

“ _ Thank  _ you!” 

“That doesn’t mean I approve of nearly being boiled alive.”

“Oh, nonsense,” she says, helping him to his feet, “You weren’t nearly boiled alive.”

“I can assure you, I got closer than I ever thought I would.”

“I thought I did great, buying for time.”

“I never said that was the problem. That was brilliant, that was.” He reaches out and pulls at her curls. “You've got leaves in your hair, though.” 

“Oh, dear,” she says, “that's embarrassing.”

“Fili, Cassia!” Thorin calls, “come! We're looking for the troll cave.”

Fili steps back from Cassia, who suddenly notices that they were standing quite close to each other. 

“Troll cave?” She asks.

He nods. “You’ve seen what happens to trolls in the sunlight. They probably have a cave around here somewhere.”

“Full of treasure, I bet!” Kili adds, moving past them.

“Treasure from where?” Cassia calls, trotting after him.

“Probably other people they’ve eaten,” Fili says.

Cassia looks back at him, alarmed. He shrugs. “Maybe not.”

The troll cave isn’t far, maybe a quarter mile away. 

Cassia looks down at it with disgust. “I'm not going in there!” She declares firmly. Fili ducks around her. 

“Don't you want an adventure?” He teases, and she frowns. 

“Not that much adventure.”

He laughs. “You can keep watch. Give a shout if anything happens.”

“I will.”

She sits herself on a log, leaning back and watching morning clouds. Bilbo comes over and sits next to her.

“I thought you were investigating the cave,” She says, knocking him with her shoulder.

“There wasn’t much to investigate,” he says. There’s a brief silence, then, Bilbo says, “You scared me.”

Cassia winces. She knew this was coming. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like that.”

“It shouldn’t have happened at all!”

“Well-!”

“No, just  _ listen _ for a moment! I let you go on this adventure because you’re nearly an adult, and I can’t control you forever. Because I thought you would be smart and use your head, and let the people who know how to take care of things like trolls to take care of it!”

“But…”

“Do you understand how I would feel if you died? Cassia, you’re all I have left. I  _ can’t _ lose you.”

“Bilbo…” she says softly, but she’s pulled into his arms for a tight hug. “I just want them to like me,” she finds herself saying. She didn’t even realize that’s how she felt until she’s said it.

“You’re an idiot,” Bilbo says, “they like you just fine.”

“Thorin doesn’t.”

“Thorin doesn’t like  _ anyone _ ,” her brother replies. Cassia laughs.

“I’d believe it.”

“Hey, Cassia!” Fili calls, trotting up. She pulls away from her brother and looks up at him.

“Yes?”

“Oh,” He looks awkward, “was I interrupting something?”

“No,” Bilbo says.

“He was scolding me,” Cassia whispers to Fili behind her hand.

“It's a good thing I came when I did,” he replies.

Bilbo rolls his eyes and walk over to talk with Gandalf. Cassia giggles and stands. “What did you want, Fili?”

“I found this,” he says proudly, handing her a small sword in a black leather sheath. The hilt is ebony and silver, embossed with tiny purple gemstones. 

“It's lovely,” Cassia says, running her fingers over the silver. “Almost like lace.”

Fili smiles. “Draw it. How does it feel?”

She unsheathes it at his instruction, stepping away and swing it around. “It's so light,” she marvels. 

He nods. “Elvish work is pretty, but it has nothing on dwarven. Look at the blade. You see the lighter metal?” Cassia peers closer at the wavy pattern. 

“Yes.”

“That's mithril.”

She looks up at him. “Isn't that insanely rare and valuable?”

“Aye.”

“Oh. Fili, I can't take this!” She sheathes it and tries to hand it back but he stops her, wrapping her hands back around it. 

“I found it, so it's mine to do with what I wish. And I don't need it,” he gestures to the veritable arsenal he carries on his person, “I want you to have it. A good blade like this can be the difference between life and death.”

“Well, I hardly think I'll be stabbing many orcs with you all around,” Cassia says, “but thank you. So much.” She buckles the sheath on to her belt. “Although I don't know how to use it.”

“I'll show you tonight, when we've stopped.”

She grins at him, her face brightening. "I'll hold you to that!"


End file.
